30 August 2018

Letting go of old stories

In one sense - it makes NO sense why I would return to Indonesia.

One story I have not been able to fully let go of is  - my time there is done. My spirit is calling me home. I have nothing to offer in those lands and... *gulp* - I failed. I don't belong.

Ahhh - there it is - one of my core wounds.

non - belonging. 

the outcast.

the one who does not fit in.

outside the tribe. 

But here's the thing -

I had a powerful dream - a vision - a direct invitation - up in the Border Ranges National Park -  many thousands of indigenous tribes from all around Indonesia, and my Dayak friends were there - it was a big celebration, and the feeling of being called, of belonging, was real. 

I don't care what you think (actually, i do! but increasingly less attached to that fixation)  - I'm a dreamer. I believe in the power of dreams. This is nature dreaming through us. 

So i have to let this old story go - and listen to the calling. The people that I am meant to work with will be in flow. I'll be drawn to the lands that call me. The people that I belong to and belong to me - I attract what I am in alignment with and what I am in alignment with will attract me.  

I had another powerful vision - all the men; past, present and future - whom I have deep respect for... gathered around. It was a celebration, I had failed so deeply, so frequently and with such consistency - a powerful rite of passage and initiation had summoned my presence. A message. An invitation..

I was being celebrated and summoned forth in my failure. I was held and witnessed by my brothers in my shame, my guilt, my fear - my perceived fucked-upery - there was no judgement - only love and pure presence - dissolving any remaining story of 'not enoughness' - letting go of the story of being a failure. 

It was a celebration that now - finally, my real work can begin. 

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